Is there such a thing? What is survival to a TI whose marrow screams, Can you Hear Me Now? Will you Hear Me Now? Why won’t you hear me at all? Who has the power -remind me again, evil man or God????? 1st Corinthian 2:5 So that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power. In our most fragile moments, I imagine doubting Thomas has seeped in at some point and many of us TIs screamed to the Lord How Long as in Psalm 6:3 , Psalm 13:1, Psalm 13:2, Psalm 35:17, Psalm 82:2, Psalm 119:40, Psalm 119:84 and the many “How Longs” in the Chapter of Job. Oft times during our anguished soul, we concentrate on the pain and not the actions that potentially brought us here. Some of us when we look at the man or woman in the mirror, we know why, we know of not heeding to God’s warning(s) and/or direct disobedience. Some of us do not have a clue either through our own delusion of not wanting or accepting truth and then some of us truly do not understand what it means to endure a test, a trial through FAITH, through standing on God’s words and promises, that to push, press, pray and praise in the valley. It is amazing how when I get in the word my perspective about this evil does change. It is when I am off kilter, not studying, dodging in and out of for the moment of desperation pleas that I allow anger and triggers to consume me, but when I get in the word, somehow this evil does not faze me at that moment, that I do have a peace that surpasses all understanding, that I do have an unspeakable joy and I do not even think about using profanity. Is it this way all the time, no, I wish I could say it was, but it certainly let’s me know that perhaps before I begin to blog, I should read the word and pray. Will that happen all the time, realistically probably not, but I acknowledge that it should. However, there seems to be a trigger that brings me to penning a Blog. Tonight, it is the interview on Oprah’s Own with the Lead Actress – Liv aka Kerri Washington, Writer – Shonda Grimes and Fixer – Judy Smith of whom the show is written about/around. They flashed a scene with this line “she was telling the truth and she still got DESTROYED” this was a scene in Scandal but referenced to Monica Lewinsky. It was a line that made me sit up. Now while Monica and I are worlds apart, the sentiment is close in community and truly the outcome is wholly different. And I am so okay with that. It does bring me back to the “How Long” scriptures of imploring God for some relief from wicked people and allows me to pause and ask, how many times did God grieve his how long child to me? Whew, kinda makes me embarassed to ask God how long and just say okay Lord, give me the strength, I accept your will, your purpose, I surrender to you no matter what the cost, no matter the outcome. Amazing when we turn that around, how humbling all this becomes and I am left with Have your way Lord, have your way!
Today, I received a heart wrenching email from a TI in New Zealand. I was absolutely floored about what she shared, her pain, her fears, her pleas for advice. Whew, what? Talk about a tall order. It is in me to respond, but how when I am marshaling through my own mess, that will prayerfully turn into a message. What do I tell her, what kind of advice can I possibly give? A woman with young children, a spouse experiencing medical challenges atop of them being brutally terrorized and targeted, with feelings of hopeless and despair. You wanna talk about perspective, you wanna talk about giving thanks. Someone who evidently heard one of my broadcasts and is now seeking help from me. Talk about feeling helpless, so what did I do? I responded to each request and at the end I stood in the gap, and wrote out a prayer. My issue initially was is this true or is this a prank? It really didn’t matter and I treated it as if it was real and wrote back to her. I hope on some level, she received some comfort, some solace. I pray that my prayer somehow touched her heart and that God will give her a peace in her attempt to survive the evil.
I realize there is not a blanket survival for all TIs as each paradigm is different and each of our demons are just as different. But one thing I have to put my hope and trust in is if they are believers we can have a common thread – understanding different outcomes.
Six years prior, I was so full of rage, hate, anger, pain – you name it. I did NOT see a light at the end of the tunnel. Lord knows I thank God for a praying momma. I know I could not have made it through without God through my praying momma, my ultra devoted Godly and forgiving husband and darling sweet and patient daughter. That same momma I would be vehemently angry with as a teen for always dragging me to Church. Whew, I never knew I would be so thankful for those draggings, because then I thought it was the worse thing ever and was truly vocal about it, to no avail of course, I was a child, a mouthy one but nonetheless still a child and I had to abide by mom and dad’s rules – period. Now I have a jocular moments and say God knew the day would come, when I would have to encounter beast Jeff Feinberg and his jackals and God knew that I would have to be equipped, he knew that I would have to have a foundation to withstand such brutal domestic terrorism and wickedness. During my darkest hours of this heinous wickedness, mom said to me, God chose you Dawn, because he knew you could handle this. I wanted to scream at her and say what the hell, but I knew better and just said, Mom, I do not know how much more of this I can handle, handle I did, handle I do. Not easy, but I do!
Can’t have a testimony without a test – right? Can’t be diamond without the rough and can’t be a rose without a thorn. So tonight I have more of a calm mind and a calm spirit, no anxiety but a joy and a peace that has tears in my eyes. No fear at this moment, pure hope and it feels great at this moment. No matter what, at this moment in time, it feels great. I’ve come along way since the universal web of deceit, lies, fraud of my Jeff Feinberg hatred encounter, but at this nanosecond, it is well, it is well within my soul. I’ve come a long way since the 60 lbs weight gain, the hair loss, the hatred, the entire body pain, the near alcoholism and so much more (bombshells – reserved for the book), so right now I feel Tony the Tiger greaaattt! Tomorrow may be a total 180, but this moment is the focus.
This is a lifelong memory that will forever be etched in my soul, but at the end of the day, what is important is how we handle adversity, how we react to evil spirits and to whom we have our Faith and Trust! So much as happened, it becomes just a challenge to chronicle all the evil, but trust me that is my goal and through the help of God, I count it done. I had a dear friend, that would always say, I know you shame and yet another one who would say “ain’t no shame in my game”. While I realize there are still many unknowns in this wicked web of deception, sometimes I want to know it all, sometimes I don’t. I trust God to reveal what it is he wants me to know.
In speaking to workplace violence, there was a time, I clearly did not understand how in the world, what would possess a person to go into a workplace and shoot people. That was so far-fetched, I just could not grasp that concept. I would say, there is absolutely nothing that bad. That was until Jeff Feinberg and his Fear Factor Fraud Squad surfaced and it was at that point, while I will and can never agree with violence, I certainly have a very different understanding. What I also understand, that without a Godly foundation, satan is apt to ensnare us into the worse evil possible and this is where I am most thankful for my mother dragging me to Church. I mean I hated Church so much that the first few years on my own, I refused to go to Church and then the Sunday I finally went, the Preacher made me angry, so I still ceased going for a while. I would pray, I love you God, please don’t leave me, but I hate Church. Eventually, I found myself back in a place that provide me comfort, hope, love, conviction, joy, peace etc…but that came with a lot of sin in between. So sometimes I look at this scenario and say this is my consequence for being disobedient to God! How long Dawn and what do I need to go to get your attention -wow! Well this got it, trust me it did and there was a warning, in fact many, but this is book content, raw book content.
So if I had to sum it up in one sentence how do I as a TI survive such heinous hate, orchestrated by Jeff Feinberg and IMHO Ivan Seidenberg et al… I say through the pressing, pushing, prayers and praises to God, that is what works for me! Tain’t easy! Reminds me of that song, God didn’t say it would be easy, didn’t say we wouldn’t hurt sometime, wouldn’t cry sometimes. Reminds me of the song, he’s an ontime God yes he is, reminds me of the song – I don’t believe he brought me this far to leave me. Reminds me of the song, Joy, I’ve got joy like a river since the Lord has made a way, I ‘ve got joy like a river since the Lord has made a way for me, every new born day, I’ve been made free, Glory Hallelujah! I’ve been redeemed that is why I ‘ve got joy, joy, joy, joy joy…. Lawd, Susie sang that song! I still hear her ringing in my ears today. Lawd this song makes me wish I could sang because this is how this TI survives the JefF Feinberg/Verizon/Government’s domestic terrorism!
Coming to grips that God does not want me a part of such an evil culture of fraud, corruption, liars and deceivers makes it so much more palatable!